I've been ON with my lover Rudy and we've lived a year together in my house, but there are times when I wish he would vanish, like today. Rudy is a crazy environmentalist and here I am desperate for a HOT bath and all he can tell me is to wait for another hour until the Camp Solar bag gets hot enough. I want to scream and tell him that this is the 21st century and I wonder why we're living with only one portable kitchen water heater.Thus, I have to wait for 2 hours and take THAT Camp Solar bag filled with 5 gallons of water and hang it up before I get my hot shower. The other day, despite the fact that the house has its own heating system, he decided to put the thermostat low "to save energy" and sit near the fireplace instead. I am all for saving the environment, but I refuse to live like a camper. Last Christmas sucked also because he wanted an artificial tree telling me that "Christmas is no excuse to be cutting down trees!" Now, he's telling me that in Russia old men jump the ice lakes because it improves their body circulation and very few people "indulge" in showers.. I hate the way he said "indulge", as if hot showers were a LUXURY.... I want to tell him to go to Russia and drown himself in one of those ice lakes so he can improve the circulation of his brain cells!!!! This is my house and I am thinking that my life would be more comfortable without him. After all, he probably can live and love better hugging a tree instead of ME!

I been with Sherry for about 5 months now and she is everything that I could want. She is the best s$x I have ever had. She will do anything I want anytime I want. I don’t think Sherry knows how to say no to me. I met her when I was just chillin at the park during lunch time one day. I had come out the office building where I work in the mail room and went across the street with my lunch and sat down. She came along and asked me if I minded if she join me. I said sure no problem. She started asking me a lot of questions about where I worked and so I asked her the same stuff. She said she worked down the street. She was an executive in advertising. Now I am usually down with most everything but I did notice that she was a little older than me. I’m 23 and she looked to be about 30 but what the h$@l p$@#y is p$@#y. We talked my whole lunch hour away and then I asked her for her number and she said how about you give me yours and I’ll call you when I’m free. I went on and sure enough that night she called my cell and wanted to hook up. I met her at this bar and we had a few drinks and then went to her place. Man she blew my mind that first night. She didn’t say no to nothing I wanted to do. We had s$x every kind of way and some I didn’t even know about. I was as happy as I could be. Every thing was going great until today I ran into this guy I knew from high school. I had just come out of my job and was walking down the street when I spotted him. I was really glad to see him cause we had been cool back in school. I said dude what are you doing now and he said he had joined the marines and was home for a minute and was just going to meet his mom for lunch. He said his mom was still pretty depressed after his dad died and he was trying to do whatever he could for her. He said come on and join us. I don’t think she’ll mind. Just then he said yeah dude here she is now. I turned around and it was my girlfriend Sherry. Holy s$@t what the h$@l was I to say. I said the safest thing I could. I just said hello mam how you doing.

Doreen my sister was with me yesterday when we went to the Faulkner Hospital in Boston. We both live together in our Massachusetts home since our parents passed away. I decided to accompany her and I knew she had been attending healing sessions conducted by Benny Hinn, the televangelist. She told me she had the "feeling" that her breast Cancer is now"all gone". Of course, I knew that the doctor would probably say that she STILL needed to continue her chemo sessions and that miracles can happen, but "sorry, not in this case anyway". Also, I personally am not a fan of televangelists but I wanted to make Doreen happy and decided to accommodate her request. After more than an hour drive, there we were waiting for her doctor, Dr. Finch, who made sure that he was nice to Doreen as I was. Dr. Finch decided to give Doreen new tests and said that he'd call in the next day. It was about 10 am, the next day, when Doreen knocked on my room enthusiastically screaming, " I am healed! I am healed" , the doctor said so!". I pretended to be happy for her but the moment she left my room, I called Dr Finch and asked him why he was bullshitting my sister. He replied, "Oh no, I wouldn't do that. I am a doctor. The tests we did yesterday did not indicate any sign of malignancy." Was the doctor's first prognosis wrong OR was Doreen REALLY healed because of her faith? I wonder.

I always wondered what s$x would be like with Phoebe's boyfriend though she kept these thoughts to myself. I had a really bad crush on Pete and Phoebe didn't know and neither did she suspect. After the school dance, I decided "no guts , no glory!". Thus I waited until Phoebe was gone and told Pete. "ummm. there is something I wanna say to you. " Pete quickly replied, "I know". I went, "you know?" Pete said , "yes I have own ALL the while and it's okay". I had to say, "it's okay, you mean to have s$x ?" Pete said, "OF course not, you cannot have s$x with Phoebe but I respect you even if you're obviously a L$@#!$n.. you keep watching me and Phoebe.. so I get it! " I felt like I was hit by a ton of bricks and wanted to go on and say"no. no.. no... it's YOU.... not Phoebe" but I was too confused myself to find the right words and blurted instead, "This is soo crazy! " Pete told me, "Hey, it was your choice so don't blame me, Phoebe is straight, docha get it? " That was when I suddenly realized that Pete was so stupid and decided that most men are so dense. That was what made me think of my "L$@#!$n" possibilities...now, I am REALLY thinking about Phoebe. I also wonder how some guys can be so dumb... and if there's any medication for THAT!

Me and my friend Viola decided to open a barbershop a month ago. We lived in one of those small counties in Wisconsin where everyone knew each other and we thought that something like an "old - fashioned" barber shop would appeal to the folks. A week ago, the county preacher asked for a hair cut and after that he asked how much he had to pay. Viola told the preacher that since he was a man of God, we wouldn't be charging him a cent. I guess the preacher told the whole neighborhood about it and the next day, there was a Catholic priest who wanted a hair cut too. Viola told me, "Let's be fair to all religions and not charge this one too". I agreed. Today, as I opened the shop, there were three rabbis waiting for their turn to have a haircut. I thought that NOTHING could beat these rabbis and I was FRANKLY AMUSED , though I wonder if Viola's business policy was good for the business. I thought about charging all three rabbis minus a 50% discount and they all paid but I knew what they were probably thinking... was I wrong to "change" the rules in the middle of the business? Though it bothers me, I always think that business should be exactly THAT - business. Do I have a cold hearted capitalist heart?

I got this really great job working at one of the law offices downtown. I pretty much just screen people coming in and direct them to where they need to go. I think they just wanted somebody good looking to smile at the people as they come in but I don’t care cause it pays a lot of dough. One of the lawyers that I flirt with all the time told me about some additional work that I may be interested in. He said all I had to do was text some pictures of myself to these different numbers. I said that sounded easy so what was the catch. He said it was really easy but I needed to include special pictures of myself when I sent the text. I said oh yeah what kind of special pictures. He said some of your t$@s and maybe if the person I was sending the text to was very special then send one of your p$@#y too. He looked at me all serious like but I started to laugh. The whole thing sounded so silly. I said people will pay good money to look at my t$@s and p$@#y. They don’t even know me so why would they care what my stuff look like. He said he knows a lot of kinky people and they get off like that. He said some of them are even into much more weirdo stuff. He said these politicians in DC like to get off on crazy s$@t like that and he found out how to make them pay to get their kinky kick. I said so how much does this little assignment pay. He said if it’s a t$t shot it pays a 100 if you give them a close up p$@#y shot then 200. I just looked at Mr clean cut lawyer and laughed. He said so are you in or did I pick the wrong girl. I said sure am when do I start.

My friend Diane has been engaged to Jonathan for the last five years. They were friends since they were in grade school so it wasn't such a surprise that they ended up with each other. Everything was going smooth until a month ago, when Diane and I decided to go to the beach at near Davenport in Orlando, we decided to take our lap tops along with us for a lazy day on the beach. After a few dips, I decided to have a Florida sun tan while doing our Facebook and Twitter. Diane never considered herself a techie and asked me then how to open her own Facebook account which I did.I told her, "Diane, everyone these days is on Facebook!". She replied, "can we see what Jonathan has on his Facebook account or if he even has one?". That was when we did the Facebook search and found Jonathan's account.I told Diane, "Here it is!". She looked over the pictures and suddenly said, "I F**KIN don't believe this! This picture of him kissing this girl was from 2 weeks ago!!" I wondered if it would have been better had I NOT given Diane the idea of searching for Jonathan because there and then, she decided to break her engagement. While we were on the beach however, this hunk approached us and gave his hand,, "HI! My name is Richard and I live in Ashley Manor nearby... do you both want to have dinner at the beach diner tonight?" Diane impulsively said yes, and when I reminded her of his engagement to Jonathan she announced, "it's over". A week later, she decided that since business was booming in Orlando, she'd rent an apartment there. Naturally, Richard was there to help her relocate. Today, Richard and Diane are one of the happiest couples in the planet thanks to Facebook!

I go to one of the largest high schools in Grand Rapids. Right now I’m a junior but I will be a senior next year. There’s this really cool crowd that hangs together at school. All the best jocks are in it and the cutest girls just fall over themselves to be seen with them. I want to be like one of those guys. I have a locker right next to Jason one of the football players. He has to be the best player ever. He always has some girl standing there with him when I come to get my stuff out of the locker. The other day he gave me a nod when he saw me standing there. I nodded back like I knew what’s up. Later at lunch I saw Jason again. He actually came up to me and sat down at my table. He said what’s up man. I said everything’s cool. He said he had been hearing some cool things about me and wondered if I could help him out with something. I said sure whatever man. He said him and few of his friends were having this party next weekend and they didn’t have all the refreshments they needed. He said he heard my dad owned a liquor store and maybe I could cop a keg or a few bottles of liquor for them. He said nothing real big just enough stuff for about 15. He said of course I could hang out with them and everything. He said that little cutie Shay would be there and she was asking him about me the other day. I said sure man that’s easy. I can get you all the stuff you need anytime just let me know a couple days in advance. He grinned and said cool man - later then. I don’t know why I told Jason that stuff. My dad would kill me if I took any of the stuff from the store but I want to get in with this group really bad. I know this will put me there and I can get next to Shay. But if I get caught, my dad would go ballistic but I want this so bad I am willing to take the risk. Man what should I do?